I do not know where my newly realized philosophies will lead me, but it can’t be worse than my stance of take no action and hope for the best, socially or just people in general.  I know that I don’t have that many close friends.  Nearly none at all in fact.  And of those I don’t know if any know me even half as well as my sister.  But the friends I do have or those who I want be friends with will need to see me as myself.  If I continue to stay in the background and be invisible I will be just that.

I see 3 reasonable outcomes.  I can either be the aforementioned invisible man and not have any close friends, I can just say Fuck It to all my social inhibitions and be shunned, rejected, and ignored like I have always feared, or say Fuck It and my friends will truly be my friends cause they know me and we will all be the better for it.

But a while back, not sure when, I realized that it might not be in the cards for me and the older I get the more I believe it is true.  I know some aspects of love are already beyond me.  I long for my first love.  I  read and hear stories about peoples first loves.  A blinding love.  A love where you don’t care if it is wrong or right, you just know that you are comfortable and happy around someone and they feel the same way about you too.  A love that you don’t have to think about when you are in the moment.  I guess this is also known as puppy love.

I am past that I guess.  I believe in that kind of love and know I haven’t felt it yet.  I am sure that is what all the little boys and girls feel while playing in the school yard or going out on their first dates in high school.  At the age of 26 though, I am too old and jaded.  I still want to have those first love feelings, but I know that I have seen too much to allow myself to be blinded by love.  I am at the age where I already realize that “love is hard” and that you have to work at it for a relationship to work.  So I believe in love, I just have no faith I will ever feel it, not fully.  I will always feel like something is missing, like some part of love has eluded me.

And I just hope.   I am having a hard time completing that sentence.  I guess I hope I am wrong and that someday things will be better, but I know deep down I don’t truly believe that someday I will be madly in love with someone and them with me.

I guess I really just hope that my cynicism is a good thing; help me not care.  Everything is all or nothing.  The more I come to realize that I am holding myself back for something better, but wont achieve, the more freedom I attain.  Losing my inhibitions. I am freeing myself of the chains that hold me back in social situations, the fears that prevent me from being myself.  I know that if I were to feel puppy love I would be completely powerless and have my heart, mind, and soul to her.  Well, as much as God will allow. No fear of falling in love is one less fear I have to deal with when it comes to girls.

I have a tendency to think highly of anyone I really like.  And we all should.  But my all or nothing attitude makes me afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting their feelings/making them feel uncomfortable, or even expressing emotion or myself around them.  With the exception of this blog I don’t talk about myself much.  I hate feeling superior or better then someone else, but I also hate not pushing myself to be the best I can be.  So the more I better myself the less I want to brag or talk about it.  So how am I to brag or even talk about myself in front of a girl if I am ashamed of my accomplishments?  And when I do get a few words out they are always about how I am trying to improve myself.  All this will accomplish is making me look like either an amateur at whatever it is I am talking about or make me seem broken, for which in many ways I am.  I lower myself as a compliment to her, which is complete failure, but it is just my nature.

Cynicism is just becoming my way of not caring.  Taking girls down off of the pedestal I set them on for so long.  If she isn’t going to like me anyway, why worry?  Why hold myself back?

I do not feel that these services are really good for me.  They seem to make me more anxious and depressed than anything.

Now for this to be a true sabbatical and not just a vacation, I need to set some goals.  I really don’t know what they are yet.  I know I have plans though.  I will spend more time working on my car.  I can get back to reading, even though I have yet to find something half as interesting as the Hunger Games series.  I will practice playing my guitar.  And most importantly I will devote even more time to my health.  Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.

So that is it.  I intend to start keeping my blog up to date, but no guarantees.  Online social media just seems more and more like a void to me these days.

I have had high anxiety (mostly social) and depression for many years. The depression stems from the social anxiety. All throughout college I wanted to see a psychiatrist but had no insurance, so I try the natural methods. Yoga, meditation, eating right, exercise, etc. Well, about a year ago when I went to the doctor to get cleared for Fit For Life, I went in there a half hour early (1:30) for my appt., and got back their around 3:45. The nurse took my vitals and then I saw the doctor. No hard feelings at this point, because it was flu season and all. This was the first time I had seen the doctor in quite a few years and I explained to him my workout habits, nutrition, etc and that I had lost well over 70 pounds at this point (I was still 180 then). Well, he cleared me for FFL.

After I left I got a call from the nurse saying that he had just noticed that I had a high BP reading (understandable, I was nervous and annoyed) and he would like to see me in a week. I came back and he diagnosed me with high BP (even though it was in the pre-hypertensive range) and just gave me a prescription to fill out. Didn’t tell me what it was, talk about lifestyle, or anything. Well, I took it for a month and came back. At this point I had already researched the medicine and realized it was a sodium blocker (and far latter that it was an ACE-inhibitor). I told him I don’t think sodium was the main culprit because I don’t really eat processed foods. I add a little bit of salt to eggs and some veggies, but that is about it. I did admit that I drink a lot of coffee (I always have, except for 2 dark, depressing years) because it calms me down and helps me focus and that I have Type A personality. I am always worried about a dozen things at once. While this has actually helped me in the long run, since I have learned to suppress all the nonsensical, general anxiety, I can suppress anxiety in most situations and not flip out. This allows me to function (albeit in a shy, reduced capacity way) in a lot of different situations. But this is a tangent.

Regardless, the anxiety must be taking a toll on me on a physiological level. So when I had came back my BP didn’t change all that much. At this point I told him my thoughts and said that I didn’t want to start out with anything that could be addictive, since my mother is a hypochondriac and is/was addicted to pills. She still has pill popping tendencies, but it is for the most part well controlled. I was prescribed 20mg of Celexa and sent on my way. Came back a month later and said that I think I see a change (in anxiety levels) but couldn’t really tell and my BP did drop a little, so he doubled my dosage. Came back another month later and my numbers were acceptable, so he kept me on that with me seeing him every 3 months.

This entire time I monitored my BP with my own cuff (which he never even recommended) and took note of highs, lows, etc. For me, the effects of Celexa (actually the generic) were not worth the benefits. Celexa made me dumber and fatter.

Let me explain. While I have never really bragged or anything (low-self esteem and depression will do that to you), I do have to admit that I am quite brilliant. I was a co-valediction, and I didn’t really try all that hard. I made a 31 on my ACT in the 10th grade. Most things just come easy to me. Now, this hurts me. I know God put me on Earth for a reason and he gave me my mind for a reason, but I don’t feel I deserve it. Regardless, my mind works at a really fast and complex way. For me to pay attention to something I have to be actively ignoring/paying attention to something else at the same time. It’s like 75% of my mind is being a hard working genius on one thing and the other 25% is a little kid listening to music or more often paying attention to things that no one else notices. This helps in my brilliance, for I see problems from both the obvious and the obscure points of view. Well, for me Celexa sort of did 2 things. One, it reduced the original 100% down to like 80%. From there it changed my 75% process to like 90% of their respective totals. So on a single task I was slightly less effective, and I lost all advantages of the other 25% random thoughts. I others have said this before, but it really did sort of make me numb. Sure, I wasn’t worrying about things, but I wasn’t really enjoying things as much either. I lost motivation and now lacked drive to do push myself to be better.

This hurt both my mind and body. The mind is obvious. My motivation was hit harder. Celexa made me gain 20# which I put a cap on at around 200. I vary between 195 and 205, and more so to the high side. I believe this is due to the lack of drive (work outs aren’t as long, or intense) and I am less strict on my eating habits. So in the end I have less deep depression, but I am just “sadder” all the time.

Over Memorial Day weekend, I forgot to bring my medication with me. On the fourth day I started to feel a little light headed and after a little research I came to the conclusion that it was withdrawal from Celexa. I decided to just go with it and that I would bring it up with my doctor at my next appointment.

Part 2:

Fast forward about a month. I went to Bonnaroo, a 4 day music festival in Tennessee, by myself. Even though social situation scare and stress me, I still push myself. I was determined to go and have a good time. After arriving late Wednesday night, I started to set up camp. I knew I should be meeting people, and even loaned my hammer (for tent stakes) for a few minutes, I could not bring myself to walk up or talk to anyone. If I try and just talk to more than 1 person, I can’t really focus. It is like the 25% random and 75% concentrated thoughts switch places. I walked up and down the rows of people for a good 20 minutes. I was miserable and went to just went to bed (which I am known to do most the times I have a social situation to deal with.)

The next morning I woke up early, as usual. After a while a guy named Colin woke up in the tent behind me. After a few minutes I worked up the nerve to say hi and joined him under their sun shade. I went on to meet all 4 guys as they woke up. I was my usual, quiet, reserved self. I was never actually relaxed but hung out with them all day, for the concerts didn’t start till 4 on the first day. The guys did talk about doing some party drugs (pot, shrooms, Ecstasy) I made it clear that I have never done any of these, don’t want to, and even if that weren’t the case, my I wasn’t willing to risk my 60k+ job for it. Just to be clear here the only thing I have ever done was drink alcohol. I was even over 21 the first time I ever got drunk. With my family history it is not even worth tempting drugs, and they don’t tempt me. But, at 4 pm I was getting tired and mentally exhausted from being social. One of the guys (they are all still in college) offered me one of his Adderall. Because I have friends who take it, and knew people who did take it in college as a Study Aid, I was not afraid of it. So I took one, just to keep me awake.

In about an hour, I was being social. It cleared my mind in the social setting. I could still pay attention to the conversation. It swapped the 75% and 25% back to their respective places. For the rest of the weekend I was taking one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I was relaxed for the first time for as long back as I can remember, at least since before starting college. Now, I know that Adderall is basically an amphetamine and feeling good is what makes you do. The Adderall could be affecting my judgement in many ways.

So I decided to talk to my doctor about it. I had decided on that before I hurt my feet or got a sinus infection (unrelated to this part of the story). So on the 8+ hour ride home I scheduled a Doctors appointment and had a long talk with my sister. I did some soul searching and pondered if I might actually have ADHD. Really with the way my mind works, I do think it is possible that I have ADHD, but I am smart enough that the 75% that is concentrating is all that is really needed to still be brilliant. My sister gave me one of those 30 odd questionnaires over the phone and said by, well some website, that it shows that I have a lot of ADHD tendencies and that I should talk to my Doctor about it. Well, I am still not sure on this, but I don’t believe in self diagnosing psychological disorders, strangely though I believe in meditation and self discovery.

So I go in to see my Doctor. I believe that for a Doctor/Patient relationship to work, both should be honest and provide as much information to each other as possible, even if he does just write me a prescription and not explain it. So I told him about when and why I got off the Celexa (about a month at this point). I didn’t get to tell him much about part 2. I explained Bonnaroo, that I picked up a sinus infection, and danced till my toes went numb. I told him that I had tried Adderall and it relieved me of my social anxiety sympoms. I was intending to go into exactly how much I took and was wanting to start a dialog about what else I could try. I was not looking for Adderall or to be diagnosed with ADHD or anything. I was just being honest with what had happened and the results, so we could proceed with my ongoing anxiety from there. Well, as soon as I brought up “I admit, I tried a friends Adderall” he started on how it would make my heart explode, Its what killed Belushi, etc.

This is not where I was wanting the conversation to go, and what I had talked to my sister for at least 2 hours the day before, that I was afraid the Doctor though I was getting at. I could really care less about Adderall, I just knew that something could be done that could help me. I have been trying to suppress my anxiety/low self-esteem for 6+ years with natural methods. At this point I know that Celexa doesn’t work and Adderall does. There must be something in-between that I could use. I was wanting guidance on where to go from Celexa.

After the “Adderall is dangerous” speech, he wrote me a prescriptions for the sinus infection, my feet (in which all he said was “It’s probably an overuse injury”, didn’t took at them or anything), and filled my ACE-inhibitor BP medicine for the rest of the year. He didn’t suggest for me to come back, which normally he says see me in 3 months or similar. So, I don’t plan to. I had wanted to switch to a doctor that practices preventive maintenance and healthy lifestyles over “Drug of the month” type doctors. So I scheduled an appointment with one, and and an appointment to see a Psychiatrist 2 weeks later.

And thats where I am. I see my new doctor in a week. And if your curious, my big toes are still numb.

I really think I will go.  Cause honestly, I want the memory of seeing Israel far more than I want $3500 and working for the 10 days.  I will sleep on it just for the sake of it.

Early this morning, I was deep in modifying my code.  It was one of those inspirations of genius that makes me love my job.  And my co-worker told me that he couldn’t figure out why this program wouldn’t work on his machine. After the 3rd time telling him exactly what his problem is (change the IP address) without even looking at the program I have never used, I said it in a very condescending manner. You, know, then, you, make, small, pauses, after, every, word.

Well, my team lead later took me aside and we talked about how to deal with difficult team members.  And the more I write this, the more it sounds like a problem I would of had working at a McDonald’s or something.  Anyway, we did have a nice discussion and the conclusion was that I have every right to be frustrated, because he is too, just I shouldn’t sound like a dick when I get interrupted .  So enough of my rant, have you ever had a difficult co-worker? Share your story below.

Actually scratch that.  I don’t know what kind of girl I want.  I know what kind of girls I want.  I am strongly attracted to quite a few different types of girls, generally the same body type but not always.  One of the ways I have changed the most is that I am attracted to more than one girl at a time now, or more specifically I don’t focus on just one girl to like.  I am still a faithful person, I would never cheat on anyone, but I no longer aim all my affection to one person.

I believe that I used to do this as a way to protect myself from getting hurt.  I have always fallen for girls I couldn’t have, either because they were already taken or because I didn’t think they would ever go for a guy like me.  In college, I only really liked two girls.  Thought quite a few more extremely cute but nothing that would cause heart break.  The first I was in love with for at least a summer, but she had an out of state boyfriend and I had low self esteem.  She was my motivation to really start working out, with a purpose, not just because I thought I should.  And she still motivates me to this day.  I still wonder what If I had started working out and taking care of my body in High School rather than freshman year of college.  What If I had been 60 pounds lighter then rather than now?

Even though I am lighter now, I still have low self esteem.  I still have about 40 pounds to drop till I am at the ‘healthy’ weight.  I am extremely healthy, I eat right, work out at least 5 times a week. Serious workouts too, long runs and a trainer who kicks my ass!  But that still doesn’t make me not feel like I have more changing to do.  I am running, literally, to be a person that I want to be, and have been working for for since I was a college sophomore.

So physically, I have changed to, well, lets say 60% of who I want to be.  Musically, I have started to go to more and more concerts, and am going to be going to Bonnaroo alone in a few months.  I am sort of turning into a hipster, but I am finding it hard.  I don’t want to label myself a hipster, because I don’t want to lock myself down into a stereotype.  I like a lot of hipster things.  I also like a lot of punk and European things. I like fashion and I like Irish rock.  I find both the high school sweetheart and the tattooed up suicide girl extremely beautiful, and not just in a lustful way.

My friends say, how did they put it, I should “take the pussy off the pedestal.” While I am a virgin, I don’t really find anything wrong with it.  I might have sex before I marry, I might not.  I fantasize that I will meet a girl and we will connect, first mentally and then physically.  If this happens in one night, then that is the way it will be.  But I will not go out just for the intention of getting laid, and this somehow puts me at a disadvantage.

So while I am changing, as I believe for the better every day, I still have a long way to go.  I still need to be able to talk to a girl that I like.  I still need to learn to flirt; be comfortable with myself and not worry about what I am about to say.  Learn to be the aggressor when it comes to dating and quit waiting for a girl I like to make a pass at me, and hope that I notice.  Changing.

So after I got around about the crack of noon, under the belief that it was just indoor allergies (because I feel better when I am outside) I went looking for an air purifier.  I started at Sam’s Club just to see what they had.  I was hesitant because, well anything I ever get at Wal-Mart/Sam’s is always crap.  All I saw there was a white combo pack for 180.  Not quite what I was wanting to I shopped around.  Long story short, it was the only brand I could find anywhere and the Sam’s club combo was easily the best deal, so reluctilently I went back.  Well I got home and tried it.  It was broke. Surprise Surprise.  So I had to drive back down to Norman to swap it out.  Not my best day.  Not my best day for sentence fragments.

Now, I have started reading about the Paleo Diet.  I am only on page 20 or so, but it seems reasonable so far.  It reminds me of the Warriors Diet that I tried a few years ago.  Now I want to remind you that I don’t diet in the sense of the typical ‘diet’.  That is I don’t eat a certain way to lose wait for a certain period of time.  I change my lifestyle, not my current grocery list.

Currently my diet consists mostly of fruits and veggies.  I like them and they are healthy.  I really don’t have a problem with meat, as a food.  I do have a problem with it as a commodity, but that is a post for another day.

Well, this is not my best post, but not bad considering I feel like crap and am starting to feel the hit of NyQuil…  Expect some better posts on topics such as health, food, fashion, girls, suicidegirls, and my ongoing quest to figure out who I am and where I fit in.

So I decided to start writing again.  I do not know what exactly my “new” blog is going to primarily be about.  In the past I focused on girls, really one girl in particular.  Well, I’m older now and slightly more experienced.  I’m sure girls will be a trending topic, but I don’t really want to tailor my blog to it.  Nor do I want to write about my working out.  Work out blogs are generally boring and I am not really doing anything interesting enough to warrant a decent post, unless I actually get into parkour/freerunning. So stay tuned, I’m sure I will come up with something!

It is freaking cold out there!  My training has been cold. I have been going out for a run in the high 20s F, wind chill in the teens.  Very cold.  And I haven’t figured out how to start to learn French yet.